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Humor – Banks

  • Humor
  • 4 min read
I assume this email I received is true. Regardless, it struck me as funny.
Elder Banking


Shown  below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.


The  bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York  Times.


Dear  Sir:


I  am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay  my plumber last month.


By  my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting  the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor  it..


I  refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an  arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight  years.


You  are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for  debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your  bank.


My  thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to  rethink my errant financial ways.  I noticed that whereas I personally answer  your telephone calls and letters, — when I try to contact you, I am  confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity  which your bank has become.


From  now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood  person.


My  mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be  automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and  confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must  nominate.


Be aware that it is an OFFENCE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.


Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to  complete.


I  am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or  her as your bank knows about me, there is no  alternative.


Please  note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a  Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented  proof.


In  due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number  which he/she must quote in dealings with me.


I  regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on  your phone bank service.


As  they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.


Let  me level the playing field even further.


When  you call me, press buttons as follows:


IMMEDIATELY  AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH


#1.  To make an appointment to see me


#2.  To query a missing payment.


#3.  To transfer the call to my living room in case I am  there.


#4  To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am  sleeping.


#5.  To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to  nature.


#6.  To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at  home.


#7.  To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is  required.


Password  will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact  mentioned earlier.


#8.  To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through  7.


#9.  To make a general complaint or inquiry.


The  contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated  answering service.


#10.  This is a second reminder to press* for English.


While  this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for  the duration of the call.


Regrettably,  but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to  cover the setting up of this new arrangement.


May  I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New  Year?


Your  Humble Client


And  remember: Don’t make old People mad.


We  don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off.
 

 

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