A paraprosdokian sentence consists of two parts where the first is a figure of speech and the second an intriguing variation of the first. They’re used typically for humorous or dramatic effect. Enjoy these!
* Never argue with an idiot. He’ll drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
* If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
* We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
* The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
* Women will never be equal to men till they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they’re sexy.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* You don’t need a parachute to skydive, but you do need one to skydive again.
* The voices in my head may be fake, but they have good ideas!
“There but for the grace of God— goes God.” —Winston Churchill
“If I am reading this graph correctly—I’d be very surprised.” —Stephen Colbert
“You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing—after they have tried everything else.” —Winston Churchill
“If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.” —Dorothy Parker
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” —Groucho Marx
“A modest man, who has much to be modest about.” —Winston Churchill
“She looks as though she’s been poured into her clothes, and forgot to say ‘when’.” —P. G. Wodehouse
“I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don’t know I’m using blanks.” —Emo Phillips
“If I could say a few words, I’d be a better public speaker.” —Homer Simpson
“I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.” —Mitch Hedberg
“I sleep eight hours a day and at least ten at night.” —Bill Hicks